Quietest Lives and Loudest Minds.
‘Allahuakbaar’…my mornings began with the aazaan, the long, clear call for prayer from a nearby mosque transcended by reverberating morning shlokas — ‘Om Bhur Bhuva Swah; Tat Savitur Vareñyam’ and sounds of brass bells on a loudspeaker from the mosque facing the temple. Then rang my morning alarm and my mother almost yelling — ‘Barkha, get up or you will miss your bus again’. Lifting myself up, I would get dressed just making in time for my morning assemblies at the school church. And yes, the church didn’t want to be left behind in the divine cacophony so they would join in with their hymns — ‘Change my heart oh lord, Make it ever true’. Before there was time to contemplate the morning bewilderment, I would be drowned with humongous books in a classroom of 60 students, where we learnt the same things at the same time. ‘We the people’ our constitutional pledge recited, lived, and celebrated by all students together.
As our minds were still pure and hearts still untouched by the ideas of adulthood turmoil, the simplest and maybe the only emotion we knew was that of love. No feelings of hatred and revenge towards anyone or anything. Only the sheer regard towards another person without any adulteration. I believed what I saw and appreciated what I had. Was there chaos? Yes. It was just outside my mind. Inside it was peaceful. The hubbub of childhood was always external and joyous, with us feeling almost indifferent and apathetic to hatred, pre-conceived notions, ill will, or bias.
Knock Knock — ‘Welcome to Adulthood’. As we grow older, somehow those sounds that were outside our heads, the sounds that we were blissfully ignorant about, slowly take the form of a seed and grow in our minds. The only relentless feeling expressed — ‘It’s overwhelming’. Strange sense of discomfort. What to believe and what not to believe! Stuck between everything and always in the shades of grey here comes adulthood in 2020. Merely existing in current times seems almost like an act of rebellion. Difficult, and can I say confusing?
I picked up my smart phone and scrolled through Instagram feed, Facebook feed and then delved into the blackhole of WhatsApp. Huh… switch on to different apps — NDTV — Check, Times of India and The Hindu — Check — Read the capitalist, communal and fascists views. Watched the news, this noisy news making money out of our pockets. There’s breaking news for everything. From a celebrity suicide to nationalism, feminism, radicalism, patriotism and ‘Let’s be offended by everything’-isms. Ting… A Headspace notification on screen. Switched off these apps and turned on my routine mindfulness meditation app — ‘Headspace’ — Breathe… Inhale… Exhale… Meditate.
Struggling to keep my head above water and merely surviving. Forgetting the idea of living and celebrating. There’s abandonment of the childhood innocence and a settling weariness of old age. Loneliness becomes a reality as there are many amongst us grappling with silence each day. Uncomfortable questions staring at me. Who am I? I look around. Ahh… Nobody had an answer. Confused about how I feel and what I support. Here I am always in a blurry zone with unclear ideas about an ideal life, country and world. Clashing everyday with guilt. The guilt we avoid by embracing the noise of the ‘think-think’ in our heads about the clutters of the day and the grumbles of the bills to pay and the words we didn’t make time to say, several could haves’ and the should haves’ and the build-up of unresolved thoughts that over the years I brushed away. The small column in newspapers talking about mental health is the most real, believable and factual piece I read today. As I lay down in the warmth of my bed, tired from all this noise, I feel deafened by the silence of my own voice.
Logged off from Outlook, Zoom Meetings, News and social media apps and switched on to Apple Music…Recently played songs…Click…John Lennon’s dreamy, divine and harmonic song. Great! Perfect!
“Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
No hell below us, above us only sky
Imagine all the people living for today…
Imagine there are no countries, it isn’t hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for, and no religion too
Imagine all the people living life in peace, you…
Imagine no possessions, I wonder if you can,
No need for greed or hunger,
A brotherhood of man,
Imagine all the people sharing all the world, you
You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll join us, and the world will be as one”
